Why Every Warm Place on Earth Sucks

lifted straight out of Gawker

Every year to get through the winter in New York (or presumably everywhere cold like Boston, Chicago, Wasilla) we have to go through a mass delusion that there is nowhere better. It sounds something like this.

Right now, as you leave for your evening commute, it is exactly -58° outside. If you factor in the windchill, that makes it -623 billion°. And the forecast isn't looking any warmer for the rest of the week. It's too cold to do anything but get up, scramble to work, spend the day in a drafty office, and then scurry home to an over-heated apartment and not leave for the fear of frostbite and frozen limbs. Why on earth do we stand this? It's because we have convinced ourselves with gross rationalizations that every civilized place with a warm climate is scuzzy, stupid, and uncultured and that living in the cold is the only way to go. Here are some of our favorite excuses.

Natural Disasters: Tidal waves, hurricanes, tsunami, typhoons, heat waves! Have you ever heard of one of these happening in Helsinki? Hell no! They only happen in more temperate climates. Sure, we get to deal with blizzards and the occassional Nor'easter, but that's nothing! People never die in a blizzard, and you get to sled and make snowmen and snow is pretty. Yes, it's so so pretty. We love it. Hurricanes, well, they blow.

Slow Pace: When it is hot out, people don't want to move quickly. That's why everyone is like "Chill out, it's Jamaica, man" and "Life's a beach" and "Hang ten!" We hate that shit. We don't want to lie in a hammock with a drink. We want to get things done, kick ass, take names, and run off to our next appointment. Only boring people sit still. We are on the move because it keeps our toes from going numb.

Tropical Diseases: Malaria, parasites, leprosy, West Nile virus, snail fever! You can't catch any of these in Denver. And do you think you can catch African sleeping sickness in a place where it is 16 below zero? Oh hell no! If we lived in some nice warm place, we'd also have to deal with all of those ailments. Colds, H1N1, and frostbite are enough for us.

Deserts: Arid climates are stupid. What do they have there? Sand, cactus, lizards, pueblos, Georgia O'Keefe vagina flower paintings, Wile E. Coyote. And then it's deadly hot during the day and freezing at night. Annoying! And what is up with mirages? If we want to see shit, we'll take LSD like a normal person. Or mushrooms, which also don't grow in the desert. But peyote does. Hmm...

No Winter Clothes: T-shirt and shorts is fun for awhile, but what would life be like without hats, scarves, mittens, gloves, over coats, and all the other great things we wear in the winter. Tons of extra accessories! Just think of the boots, wool suits, turtlenecks, cardigans. Think of the glamour!

Weak People: Really, living in a climate where buildings can have courtyards and restaurants have year-round outside patios makes you flaccid—and I don't mean limp-dicked. Living in a cold climate is hard. Just look at the Russians. Those are some seriously tough and deep people. You won't find them relaxing. Hell no, the cold has frozen them into tough mounds of flesh!

Palm Trees: I'm sorry, but palm trees are fucking ugly. Give me an elm, maple, or birch. Preferably one that grows in Brooklyn.