Thursday, September 24, 2009

Vassar is America's 22nd Douchiest College

Yes, I went to Vassar College, so I direct you to their entry, but there were 24 other colleges indicted in the column.

GQ recently dubbed Vassar College as America's 22nd douchiest college citing the following:
Home of: The Womyn Douche
Most popular major: Listening to Regina Spektor with your girlfriend, who you kind of suspect is a lesbian.
Affectations: Comfy Thai meditation pants in gold and puce; pretending not to be that horny; needlepointing the first sentence of Maxine Hong Kingston's The Woman Warrior for lesbian girlfriend.
Favorite pickup technique: Expounding on Spiral Jetty's debt to pre-Columbian cultures.
Well-known male alumni: Not applicable.

WOOT! Made the cut! 

Brown was curiously #1
Home of: The "Peace Sign on My Mom's 7 Series" Douche
Affectations: A belief that grades, majors, and course requirements are just another form of cultural hegemony; using the word hegemony.
In ten years, will be: Living with your family in an old house that you quit your job to refurbish yourself (by overseeing a contractor) with painstaking historical accuracy in a formerly decaying section of the city that's recently been reclaimed by a small population of white guys in hand-painted T-shirts who are helping you put together a health care fund-raiser for
Douchiest course offering: English 200: On Vampires and Violent Vixens: Making the Monster Through Discourses of Gender and Sexuality.
Honorable-mention limousine-liberal institutions: Duke, Reed, Oberlin, Wesleyan, Bard, RISD.

Go ahead, Peruse them all, but the good ones:

Duke #2
Home of: The O.D. (Original Douche)
Affectations: Pressed oxford; Goldman Sachs summer-internship tote; always ending the party by taking your shirt off and wrestling a guy named Schmitty.
A peek inside: They're probably number one. But we'd rather not rank Duke number one at anything.
In ten years, will be: Still trying to re-create the golden age of banking while wearing driving mocs and no socks.

Harvard #4
Home of: The Harvard Douche
In ten years, will be: A Harvard douche.
Douches emeriti: Benazir Bhutto, Lou Dobbs, John Quincy Adams, Mira Sorvino.

Amherst #7
Home of: The "I Went to a Small liberal-arts College in Massachusetts" Douche
Affectations: Quiet sense of superiority; intense desire to be surrounded by 1,700 people almost exactly like you; Choate soccer jacket.
In ten years, will be: Smart policy guy at State Department that no one listens to.
Douchey mascot: Lord Jeffrey Amherst.
Problem with douchey mascot: Distributed smallpox-infested blankets to Native Americans

Rollins #8
Home of: The Jet Ski douche
Affectations: Forty-six-foot cigarette boat; Bahamian bank account; unlit cigarillo.
Overheard at Sunday brunch: "Let's blow off class tomorrow and hit some jai alai. I've got Dad's gold card, esse!"

Charter College, Wasilla #9
Home of: The Snow-Machine Douche
Affectations: .30-06 with a variable scope; large testicles; FREE LEVI sticker on bumper of Dodge Ram dually.
In ten years, will be: Governor of Alaska

NYU #11
Home of: The "Yeah, I Did That When I Was 17" Douche
Affectations: White Wayfarers; vintage New York Dolls T-shirt; high-concept hat; complaining about how New York City is so gentrified now.
In ten years, will be: Still talking about how you did that when you were 17

BU #18
Home of: The Future Marketing Executives of America Douche
Most likely to: Major in communications and take it seriously.
Overheard at the "Winning in a Down Time: How to Brand Yourself" seminar aftermingle: "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
Thesis topic: "Those Axe Ads: Totally Funny, Bro."

U of Virginia #25
Home of: The Blue-Blazer Douche
Affectations: The side part; the insistence on referring to your school as "the University," our third president as "Mr. Jefferson," the quad as "the lawn," and the Civil War as the "War Between the States."
Overheard in the bleachers: "Well, at least our football players actually go to class and—hey, Dylan, this mint julep is outstanding."
In ten years, will be: A member of an exclusive country club. Maybe a philandering public official. Not unlikely a lobbyist for a tobacco company. Possibly all three.
Honorable-mention blue-blazer institutions: Duke, William & Mary, Johns Hopkins, Vanderbilt, Sewanee

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